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Mrs. Klaus' Last Straw - Part I

Julia Mesrobian
Dec 5, 2021
9 min read

Early December 2021

From: Carole Klaus <c.klaus@N-Pole-inc.com>

Sent: Wed 1 December 2021 3:21

To: Dr. X <anonX@yourthrivingmind.com>

Subject: In need of your professional assistance

Dear Dr. X,

I apologise for the late email, but you see, I had a very busy time and am only now about to finish my day.

You were recommended to me by E. Easter - one of your patients who came to you decades ago seeking help with his anxiety due to the fear of being replaced by the Easter hen. You see, I am in need of a discreet psychiatrist, as I would be discussing sensitive information about the Christmas holidays. I need someone who I can trust, and will not judge me for my frustrations.

Our sessions will have to be by correspondence as you will surely not wish to visit me to my home which is the farthest north anyone can be. And I unfortunately cannot spare a single day for personal issues. If you don’t mind, from now on, I will send you letters rather than emails, as I spend enough time sitting at my computer as it is, and need a special “me time” when I write my thoughts down. I feel that journaling will help me connect with myself and older times, through the intentions behind it, the feel of the parchment, the grip of my fingers upon the quill. And do not worry, even if we are very remote, we have a very reliable postman who has been with us since the beginning. Anyone telling you that their letters to us have been lost by the postman is lying.

I won’t take too much of your time. I just need someone to talk to that I am not either married to or working with. Someone unbiased who can reply to me with uplifting thoughts and maybe pieces of advice… Are you that individual? Can you help me?

You can reply to this email and we will start our epistolary exchanges when you give me your preferred postal address.

Yours truly,

Carol Klaus

Sunday 5th of December 2021

Dear Dr. X,

I am so glad that you replied so rapidly. Thank you for agreeing to my request, we can start our epistolary sessions now. Thank you ever so much for accommodating my singular situation. I have been keeping a diary for as long as I can remember, and it has certainly help me some. But to have someone actually read my writings and reply with welcome advice and support, that means the world to me.

I assume that by now, with my signature on the email, you have understood who I am. I am Kris’ wife. You know him by many different appellations: Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, etc.

All around the world, he is named differently and represents something different, adapting to the different cultures and religions, but he is consistently a loved figure, a symbol of joy, a gift-bearer.

The Germans call him ‘Weihnachtsmann’ which means ‘Christmas Man’. The French call him ‘Père Noël’, which is a translation of his name ‘Father Christmas’. The Russians call him ‘дед мороз’, pronounced ‘Ded Moroz’ and meaning ‘Grandfather Frost’.

The Polish have called him for centuries ‘Swięty Mikołaj’ which means ‘Saint Nicholas’ (but believe me, he is not a saint) or, my personal favourite ‘Gwiazdor’ which means ‘The Starman’.

The Afghan call him ‘بابا شغلو’ pronounced ‘Baba Chaghaloo’ which means ‘Busy Father’ (the ‘busy’ part makes me chuckle dryly - I will explain shortly).

The Chinese call him ‘圣诞老人’ which is pronounced ‘Shèng Dàn Lǎo Rén’ and means ‘Christmas Old Man’. They celebrate Christmas as a peaceful day to spend with loved ones, but in a more romanticised way than traditionally. In their culture, Kris plays the saxophone, and in my heart I long to hear him play one day.

The Japanese call him ‘ほていおしょ’, pronounced ‘Hoteiosho’ and meaning ‘The Monk Who Bears Gifts’. In their religion, he is part of the Seven Gods of Fortune, and has eyes in the back of his head, which means that he’s able to see the children and how they behave.

In Hawaii, they call him ‘Kanakaloka’ and he arrives on a canoe and wears the traditional Hawaiian attire.

He becomes ‘Los Reyes Magos’ in Spain, which means ‘The Three Wise Men’. He is ‘Queen Mab’, ‘Father Time’ or ‘Mother Goody’ in Canada and ‘Saint Basil’, pronounced ‘Aghios Vassilis’ (which I think has such a beautiful ring to it) in Greece.

His own favourite name is ‘Santa Dan Short’ from the good humoured people of Oklahoma City. He also thoroughly enjoys being called “The Jolly Little Fat Man” by the Australians. I think it is because it is always said with the typical Aussie humour and accent, which he loves.

He may have many names, but to me, he is simply Kris. My Kris. My lovely, but infuriatingly annoying husband.

You see, I am tired and frustrated. Here is why:

I am so exhausted, but I am taking the time to pen down my thoughts now, before I go to sleep for short few hours and get back straight to work in the early hours of the morning. What a busy day today. What a busy week! We have been receiving the very first letters of the year and there is already so many to go through. When I say 'we', I mean myself, and the elves.

First we have to sort all of them geographically, so they are easier to allocate for delivery. Then we read every single word the kids have written, and we put the orders in. I like putting the extra special ones aside, for Kris to read and be inspired for the season. They are so heart-warming, you know. It gives me a sense of pride and duty. With each letter I read, I push on with a renewed energy. I cannot fail them!

There are billions of them each year! But that alone is just a small fragment of my work duties. There is much to do in preparation for the most important night of the year, as you can imagine. Let me describe to you my workload throughout the year, so you can understand my present state of distress.

You see, in January, the ‘slow’ month (which is not slow at all, albeit a bit less manic than the rest of the year), I am busy reading, and sometimes replying to, thank-you letters from happy kids and, unfortunately, complaints from unhappy ones, who wonder why they haven’t received what they put on their lists. We aim to please, but it all comes down to stock availability, cost, the naughty list, etc. There are a lot of people to please, you know. We rarely receive letters, thank-you or otherwise, from the adults… I have my theory about that, which I will describe another time.

From February through to October, I am in charge of planning our detailed schedule for the whole year, full of deadlines to keep ahead of. During those months, I am busy studying the market (what toys or gadgets become the favourites, what new pieces of clothing are in fashion, etc.) to keep with the trend and be ahead of the Christmas lists’ demands.

All the while, I am keeping an eye on the people’s behaviour to update the naughty list. We may have become much more lenient throughout the times, but we still have one rule, and everybody knows it: If you are good and obedient and respectful and all-around well mannered, then your good behaviour of the year is celebrated by gifts, but if you are naughty and selfish and cruel, you do not get what you wish for. As the centuries went by, we have decided that Christmas is the season of giving, and so, very often, we turn a blind eye… But I still keep my list thoroughly updated. Maybe it is a force of habit… I still apply this rule, while being more empathetic and less rigid…

Anyhow, it is a much better option than sending Krampus along with Kris, to give lumps of coal to the misbehaved children, and even sometimes a lashing of his whip to teach them a lesson. He is known around the world as "Ruppelz', ‘Père Fouettard’, ‘Whipping Father’ or ‘Old Man Whipper’. We let him go a long while ago, and I feel it was the best decision we ever made. Just thinking about him gives me chills. With his hooves, horns and devilish tongue… He was such a sombre character…

In the factories, I am overseeing the engineering, manufacturing and production. We do not wait for December to get started on ordering and production. That would be madness! We start as soon as February!! Can you imagine?

I also dedicate one day a week, usually my ‘day off’, to training the reindeers. They have to be able to identify their many destinations and devise the best routes to keep up with the tight schedule. And it takes a lot of work and dedication. They are very bright creatures, you know. I particularly have a very special bond with Vixen. She has such a lovely personality. I used to have Rudolph as a favourite, when he was the ‘underdog’ (or should I say the ‘underreindeer’?), but now that he is the leader, his ego has grown a lot. Good for him, but I will always have a soft spot for the unnoticed.

In November, I start the mass ordering on the many different online websites, such as amazon, eBay and such. You see, some items we cannot produce ourselves, so years ago, with the rise of the internet and online shopping, we decided to relieve our heavy load and use what was at our disposal. Can you blame us? But can you imagine my credit debts by the end of December? Luckily, I invested in bitcoins years ago. This way I can pay my debts off as soon as the money comes in…

Finally, in December, that’s when things go triple speed. We start by receiving the vast amount of letters, sorting through them, reading them, writing the lists and comparing them to the nice/naughty scores of each individual. I then make the harsh or happy decisions of who gets what, while keeping in mind our stock levels. When all that is done, that's when I put the orders through. The orders get sent to our factories, where the elves and myself select each item, inspect it and pack it. I check the packaging and wrapping of each household. As we fill up the orders, I oversee the loading of the sack - which in case you were wondering, uses magic to contain the amount of items going in. I will explain later our use of magic.

On the night of the 24th of December, Kris leaves for the delivery. But while he is gone, I have no time to rest. First, myself and the elves have to clean up the factories from top to bottom. It gets so messy by the end! It needs a good tidying up so we can get ready for the next year.

When that is done, I let my elves relax and rest, while I cook a five course Christmas Dinner for 400 hungry elves, Kris and myself. Even the reindeers get magnificent treats with carrot cakes, nut breads and such.

Now that I think of it, I should probably call it a Christmas Breakfast, since we always wait for Kris to come back from his tour before we dig in. I insist on waiting for him, it is important for me to share such a meal with ALL of my loved ones. But I am often disheartened when he tells me in a content and satiated voice:

“Not too much for me dear, I've had plenty a cookie and orange slice offerings this year, even doughnuts with Christmas icing, gingerbread houses, and carrot cakes for the reindeers. Luckily, I could wash it all down with lots of cups of milk, eggnog, mulled wine, hot buttered rum, and warm Christmas punch. I won’t mind telling you, dear, I am quite ‘smashed’ as the young ones say these days”.

He usually ends by punctuating his satisfaction over his bountiful trip and his correct use of slang at my table with his irritatingly jovial “Ho-Ho-Ho”. That usually puts me in a mood, but I keep it to myself… He is not a bad bloke, my Kris…

But all this, which description takes most of my letter, you notice, is without counting my personal and home duties! I keep a tidy house, and I cook all the meals. None of those microwave meals for us, unfortunately. Although I was tempted many a time to just give in. But I so enjoy cooking, you see. It is my personal time, just for me. And then sitting down at the table and enjoying a meal together with my Kris... That is usually a perfect end to my long days.

But anyways, my point is, I am tired, overworked, underappreciated and frustrated. This is not just the doing of Kris, you know. He is oblivious, of course. But the deed comes from you too. Well, not you personally, I know better than to put the blame just on you, Dr. X. It is a collective world-wide oversight, from you the People. His name is on all your lips and minds. When Christmas approaches, it is of him you think of. 'Santa Claus' gets all the praise and all the appreciation but he’s really just your delivery guy. He’s crucially important, yes, without a doubt, but so are we. SO. AM. I!

I am too tired to go on... I will write again soon.

Yours truly,

Carol Klaus

PS: I have put a return address on the envelope but in case you have already disposed of it, here it is again: 123 Elf Road, North Pole, 88888.

Original story & Copyright by Julia Mesrobian